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Set Yourself Free
Jesus is impressed by the efforts of a group of friends to get their paralyzed buddy through his roof so that the poor chap on the stretcher might receive Jesus’s healing touch. He sees and he responds. Jesus immediately says - Your sins are forgiven. Mark doesn’t fill his story with an analysis of how Jesus knew what made the gentleman paralytic. Mark gives us instead the reaction of those who were present and had their breath taken away by Jesus’ forgiving words. Jesus saw the pain, saw the sin, and wiped it out with a minimum of words which most present thought He did not have the power or authority to declare. But He did and He does.
 Lent is, I learned, a time of confession. Lent is not giving up chocolate, cussing and buying expensive shoes. It is a somber time of cleaning out the attic of our hearts. And the best way to do that is to go to confession and seek to be healed. Maybe we take confession too lightly, running through it without looking each Sunday at the Eucharist and when we say the Lord’s Prayer. But confession is serious business and can be a healing moment in our lives. Do we take our own sins too lightly, as we mull over everyone else’s sin?
We fret, worry, stress out, try to ignore a bad conscience, and that nagging “shouldn’t have said/done that.” It can make us ill. This illness of being in sin can only be healed by confession and repentance. All we need to do is take the time to pray to the Lord and say - I did it. I’m sorry, Lord. Please take this sin away from me.
Somehow, in the releasing of that sin, we receive forgiveness and freedom and our souls smile. Confessing to a priest was something I associated with law of the Roman Catholic church - you know those dark wooden stalls with two compartments and a grilled window in between, as if the priest didn’t know who was doing the confessing. The sinner and the absolver hid from each other so there was no judgment or prejudice - and the absolver would assign the sinner to so many Hail Marys. So many Our Fathers. Get on your knees and pray the rosary.
However for a long time, I did not know confession to a priest was an option in the Anglican-Episcopal faith. But a beloved spiritual friend from England named Judy told me to try it, that confession would give me a tremendous relief and joy and take away that torturous guilt I live with about sins of the past. The act of confession would be penitence in itself because I would have to take into account all those people I’d hurt as well as those who had hurt me. I balked because I didn’t know if I wanted to bring ALL THAT up again, to drift through memory and failure.
But I spoke with my Uruguayan Bishop and he said make a list, then meet him at his private chapel at such n such hour, which I did. It was a glorious Uruguay day outside. Clear sun. Crisp autumn air. People going about their lives, it was the kind of day I’d be happy to die on. No one would notice. The bishop welcomed me and hardly had we sat on the hard-wooden bench in the damp chapel that I burst into tears - and began to pour out my sins. He let me flow over awhile, then finally collected me together so we could fit into the framework of the service of Reconciliation of a Penitent in the Book of Common Prayer. It really is there.
It began with “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” Soon the part came where one spews out all sins in memory. Mine continued in unrestrained weeping even heaving, and the Bishop calmly helped me deal with each of the events I thought ghastly disobediences before God. Some were, some were not so bad, some were not even sins. But I went on and on and on. After two hours, the Bishop said we needed to round up things and finish the service (he had another appointment after me.)
I wept in frustration and cried out: “But I haven’t even gotten to my mother yet.” He laughed sympathetically, and said, “We’ll collect all the sins you haven’t covered and let God throw them away.” God is well acquainted with my sins and had already erased them from memory just because of my willingness to release them to Him.
Finally, the Bishop concluded: “The Lord has put away all your sins.” and I responded, as the book said, “Thanks be to God.” Somehow it didn’t bother me that my bishop knew all my dirty laundry. I trusted him as God’s heart. My sins must not have been so horrific because he ordained me anyway.
But that day I gathered up my belongings and wondered how I was going to get back home. My eyes were so blurry, traffic was triple image. As I drove back through chic Pocitos, and along the Rambla - the parkway that fronts the beach -I grew mad at my pal Judy - a new sin already popping up - but she had promised I would feel great relief, and all I felt was terrible. All those horrid times in my life had appeared again in my brain - all those things I had crushed back in the corners of my heart. I moaned and fretted and wondered if the confession had worked. Where was the good part? The so-called peace of mind.
About two or three days later, I suddenly felt a “WOW”. I was refreshed, cleansed, as if I had taken a cold shower on a hot day with gardenia scented soap. I felt lighter by about 50 pounds. And then I realized what my friend had meant. The burden had been lifted. Jesus had taken way the awful sections of my life. He really had carried my sins with him at Calvary. And He continues to do this for all of us who believe and ask for pardon. So every day, when I wake up, I try to confess the sins and errors still fresh from the previous day - things I know I have done, and those things suspect I’ve done - actually naming what I can, not just brushing over it in a generality as in the Lord’s prayer. I’m sure there are lots of things I forget or ignore or am afraid to bring up. But God knows. Then each Sunday at the Eucharistic communal confession I go over the more serious disappointments in myself. And the sins that don’t get out of the circuits of my mind, I thrash out on a walk or driving in the car. Now in my new diocese I know the priest won’t be prejudiced by what I confess - because they love me like God does. I’m part of the family.
So during this Lenten season, I would encourage you to try this penitence of confession of coming to terms with your sins. Speak to one of your or our priests. God will bless you for it.
~ Rev
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audrey@audreytaylorgonzalez.com
www.audreytaylorgonzalez.com
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